Is it all my fault? Day 13, week no. 2

I feel like it is all my fault that I have arthritis, that I haven't been able to keep the flares under control and that I haven't been able to get pregnant. 

I feel like I got the arthritis because of my lifestyle and think if I had liven a different lifestyle then I hadn't gotten arthritis. Then I keep going on thinking since I already have the arthritis it's my fault that I still got it. I should be able to cure myself by living the right lifestyle. If I would do the right things then I would cure myself. Some times I even think I have arthritis because of my thoughts. That I have thought too negatively, I don't love my body enough,  I'm not positive enough, I do not embrace being sick, I feel too often sorry for myself. If I would be able to be cheerful everyday, grateful, positive and etc. I could be healthy again. 

Last but not least because I have arthritis and haven't be able to cure myself.  I blame myself for not being able to get pregnant. If I didn't have this stupid disease I could probably get pregnant.

When I have spent the day blaming myself for all my problems and feeling sorry for myself. I often feel ashamed. My life is not bad, I can get the arthritis under control if I go back on the medicines. I don't know sometimes I feel I should accept that it isn't going to work out, I should go back on the medicines and look at other options.

I hope that it's just the fertility medicines that makes me so emotional and I will back to be myself next month. Not only am I feeling sorry for myself all the time these days. I'm always on the burst of crying. I think I have cried almost every day this week. 

To stop all these awful thoughts I knit. I can still knit as long as I don't over do it. Now I'm knitting an I-Pad case for my husband. This a test piece, I trying out the yarn, deciding in what style I should knit it in and finding out how wide it should be.