Moving to Iceland

After one week I will go back to Iceland. When we first moved here to North-Carolina, we planned to stay here for four to five years. We quickly realized that I wasn't going to survive being here not able to work and away from my friends and family for four years. So we decided that we would take year off. Originally the plan was to get pregnant, have the baby in Iceland and take one year off. Unfortunately that didn't work out. I feel like it was ages ago that we decided to try to have a family. I started to ween of my medication in December 2009, six months later we started to try. Therefore it has been more than 10 months since we started to try. I thought that I would be pregnant by now. Some days I get so sad and angry about this. The thing is I feel like because I have arthritis and had to give up a lot of things therefore it's only fair that I would be able to get pregnant quickly.

Now we're starting a new chapter. We have our first appointment with a fertility clinic in Iceland later this month. It was so expensive to do it here in USA that we couldn't afford  it. Hence we're moving back to Iceland for one year. There we will get pregnant with the help of the fertility clinic or at least that is what we hope to do.

Tired of being in pain!

Last two weeks haven't been good. I'm taking this fertility drugs that are supposed to be almost harmless compare to some stuff you can get. Even though the fertility drugs I'm taking aren't strong, I still manged to get some storng side affects. In my last cycle I took 50 mg pergotime and that went well apart from the part that I didn't get pregnant. The next cycle my doctor told me to take double dozeses if I didn't get pregnant, so I took 100 mg of pergotime. (Pergotime is similar to Clomid). This time around I had less pain in the beginning which was nice. A little more than two weeks ago I started to feel pain

in my right side. The pain gradually got worse until two days ago I woke up my husband and we decided to go to the hospital. We went even though I don't have an American health insurance. I have Icelandic insurance and travel insurance and I do hope that will cover the cost. We haven't got the bill yet but I think it's going to huge number on that bill.

Anyhow we went to hospital, stayed the whole night and they examine me. Everything seemed to be okay and they discharged me and said that they couldn't find anything seriousley wrong with me and they couldn't explain why I was having so much pain in my right side.

I can't barley move because of the pain, I can't concentrate and I feel like I can't do anything. It is not all bad because the arthritis pain hasn't been bothering me since the right side started to hurt so much. It is kind of funny because I still have difficulty moving me hands and feet and I'm very tired in the hands and legs but it doesn't hurt.

I'M SO SICK OF BEING SICK!

 

I haven't been able to anything past two weeks. In addition my periods started. Which is a good thing because if it was over stimulation of the ovaries it's not good to get pregnant. Nevertheless I'm devastated of getting NO one more time. I'm specially upset because I'm leaving in two weeks so we ain't going to be together on the fertil period. So nothing is going to happened next cycle. And since my cycle is so, so, so long (36 days or more) it is ages until we can try again.

EVERYTHING SUCKS TODAY!

Therefore I went downtown to EAT! That's my thing when I get upset I go and stuff my face with unhealthy food. It can't be normal to always turn to food whenever things don't work up.

I'm feeling sorry for myself today and complaining. Tomorrow I will stop complaining and crying, today I'm going to sulk a little bit more.

I-Pad Day 12, week no. 2

My husband and I woke up this morning half past four, rushed out of the house, drove for 40 minutes and then waited in line for three hours. All this to buy an I-pad for the husband. I have never done anything like this before so I'm pretty excited about having done this. Couldn't care less about the I-pad.

I'm still not eating  properly nor exercising just spending a lot of time sulking and feeling sorry for myself. I have heard that is supposed to do wonders for your arthritis. Sometime I have days when I feel sorry for myself, sometimes it lasts for days. The current sulkiness and feeling sorry for myself are still going strong and it's their third day. You have to give them credit for sticking to it.

It's not just the arthritis that is keeping me down. I'm specially feeling sorry because of the fertility problems that my husband and I are facing. This cycle was or is the last cycle before our appointment at our fertility clinic. And of course the cycle is all messed up and I haven't ovulated so there's no chance that something happened this time. Last time when my arthritis was all flared up, my period stopped. I'm so afraid that is what is going on this cycle. That my body have decided that I'm too sick to be having periods, the body should be concentrating on healing the broken parts. 

I don't know, I just feel rotten these days and can't get me in the groove again.

 

Day 11, week no. 2. Bad decicions

After two wonderful days after the detox day where I was almost pain-free, had so much energy and almost felt like a normal person again. 

I woke up this morning and instantly knew that it was over

You may ask yourself why would it be over just like that. Well, in those two wonderful days where I was feeling good. I could have continued to practice good lifestyle that benefits my arthritis but sadly I didn't. 

The day after the detox-day I had slice of pizza, one slice of cake and coke (which is so absolutely on my no-no list). I wanted something "good" to eat because I had cleaned the house and I wanted to reward myself. 

Yesterday started okay, I had a healthy breakfast and lunch and had brown rice sushi for dinner.  My husband hand to attend a party in the evening so I decided it was time for cozy night for Erla. So I bought not one but two slices of cakes.

úff

Today I have been yearning for more cakes and sweets. WHAT'S wrong with me? I know it's better for me to stay way from certain foods but still I eat them. 

Day 10, week no. 2

• Woke early this morning and still felt good. 
• Spent the day at a coffee shop with friends and knitted
• Watched a movie
• Still felt energetic 
• Bicycled for 2 x 15 minutes
• Had two slice of a cakes
• I'm not doing good job sticking to the plan 
• Nevertheless I'm feeling happy and good
• Therefore I'm now a huge fan of Detox-days

My next steps are doing more research on:

vitamins and supplements

diets

exercises

Day 7 was a rollercoaster

I was really glad because it was candy day. I do love my candy day. The sun was shining and I spent most of the day outside. 

The sad part was I couldn't do some things today because of my lovely arthritis that I will overcome by time and the right diet. So I cried, in a coffee shop. Luckily my husband was there and I didn't make any scene. I was just so utterly sad that I couldn't go with my friends on a walking tour.

Another good thing today was that I was feeling great. I have less pain and I'm taking less of the painkillers so the diet-thing is working a little bit.

After candy day comes DETOX DAY. I have never detoxed and I find it hard to believe but I can't wait to try it out. I have read on other arthritis blog sites that people find relief by detoxing. I'm only going to do it for one day. It's my first time and I don't think it's wise to do more days for the first round.

DETOX-MENU

Water

Green tea

Miso-soup

Fresh juice from Whole foods 

I'm going to have a quiet day and watch my favorite TV-shows, knit and if I'm up for it do a little bit of cleaning.

Day 6 Letting go

One thing which I have to learn is to let go. When I'm off the medicines I will not be able to do all of the things I want to do or need to do. For instance to day I really needed to clean my house and fold clothes. I also had to eat healthy food and do my exercises. I can't do both in one day. For people with arthritis you know exactly what I'm talking about. When you have RA then there comes days when you just can't do all of the things you are supposed to do even though you don't have a job or are a student. 

That is hard, it is so hard not being able to do things you want to do and need to do. On days like that, I feel like I'm not trying hard enough, I should be able to it if I just tried harder. I feel guilty because I'm not doing the house chores and other stuff that is hanging over me. 

Today was my first day but hopefully not the last day that I tried to LET GO. This morning when I woke up and looked around the mess around the house I decided to LET GO. It's more important that I prepare my healthy meals and do my exercises. So that was what I did. I looked on the mess and the unfolded clothes and thought: this will all be here when I have done my exercises and eaten healthy food. If I have extra energy afterward I will do it then. Turned out when I had finished my exercise and the cooking, I was done for the day, I didn't have any extra energy.

How I'm feeling now?

Relieved and glad that I did my exercises and ate healthy food. A little bit guilty of the messy house and the unfolded clothes but I'm trying hard not be it. It is more important that I do things that benefit my health rather than the concentrating on keeping the house tidy.

Day 3 was better

My right feet is not my friend. I continued to have pain in my ankle and knee. I can't help it but when the pain gets worse I just want to run to the nearest pharmacy and get my metroexate. I keep telling my self it is all going to be worth it when we have a baby. It's just hard on days like these when the pain is coming back and I know it's only the beginning. 

I have trouble doing my exercises when my foot is in such a state. I bicycled but I haven't done the home work-outs. I'm going to try to do them tonight. 

The food-issue is also giving my hard time. I don't know whats up with me obsession about food. It is ONLY 30 DAYS that I'm not going to eat unhealthy food. I'm still allowing me to have candy days once a week. Never the less I have been sulking past two days over the fact that I can't stuff my face with unhealthy food. I'm trying to remember when food came to be such a issue for me and why. It didn't be a problem for me. I just ate my food on dinner time and didn't think about food between meals. Maybe it's a good idea to go there. Try to find WHEN food started to become such a issue and WHY I started to measure my happy with food. 

More about food. I was so low on fruit for my smoothie this morning. Determined to stick to the meal plan and went through the fridge to find food for the smoothie. I found dates, a cucumber, avocado, spinach, ground almonds, chi seeds, coconut water and carob powder. I'm not much of a cook. Before I moved in with my boyfriend I did minimum cooking. When we started to live together he did all the cooking for the first two years. It is safe to say when it comes to the kitchen, I'm no expert. You can see the result to the right. I'm not going to sugarcoating it tasted like green cream. I wouldn't recommend it. But I ate it all, it had a lot of healthy ingredients and I stuck to the meal plan. 

What I did to tackle the pain today

Sulk and cry (didn't do much good)

Ate mostly raw

Did 40 minutes of 10 minute solution: Target Toning for Beginngers

Took one parkodin

Had a quiet night (had tickets to a concert but decided to stay home)

I don't whether it was the Target toning or the painkillers but I felt better in the evening

I need a plan

I need a plan to achieve my goals. My goals are

1. Lose weight
2. Eat healthy food
3. Exercise
4. Change my attitude towards food

My plan for loosing weight, eat healthy food, exercise and changing my attitudes is...

I don't know

All I know is that I have to make plan 

Food

I have been struggling last weeks to eat healthy food and exercise every day. Even though I have been trying to live a healthy lifestyle ever since I was diagnosed with arthritis . I  have never reach that stage where I only eat whole food and make good choices for my health. First when I started to eat whole food and exercise I imagine that after a month maybe three I would turn into health guru that would never again make poor choices for my health. Think again 7 years later I still struggle eating healthy food. 

Last month I have been reading a lot of blogs about healthy living and I have found that very inspiring. Some of the blog made my think about my relationship with food. My problem regarding food is that I use food as comfort and prize. When I want to do something good for me I  buy coke, cupcake, kit-kat and rent a movie. When I'm upset I also turn to food. I make up for the disappointment by eating something "good". Even when I'm bored I go and try to find something to eat.  I eat to much when I eat, I don't stop when I'm full. When I go to a party and there's food on the table, ALL I can think about is the food. I feel sometimes like I'm addict because when I decide to change my behavior and eat more healthy. I usually start byy stuff my face with pizza and cookies. 

There are five things I feel like I have to do

Change my attitude towards food

Lose weight

Eat healthy food
Exercise

Make a plan to let these things happen

The List

I'm great fan of all sorts of lists. 

Here is my "Things to do"

1. Learn to speak Swedish
2. Travel to Califorinia 
3. Visit my relatives in Clevland
4. Go to Vancouver
5. Learn new ways to knit
6. See the city, Chicago
7. Be able to lift more weight
8. Breath the air in Montana
9. Loose 20 lb
10. Shop in Boston
11. Have a baby
12. Take a picture of Niagara falls
13. Learn how to crochet
14. Visit South Carolina
15. Start a feminst website
16. Drive in New Orleans
17. Travel the world

My story

I'm 29 years old

I'm married

I'm a teacher
I'm from Iceland
I'm currently living in Chapel Hill, NC

I developed arthritis the summer of 2004. I started to experience some direct membrane swelling or I thought I was in July. Two months later I couldn't walk, had great difficulty moving my hands and the most severed pain I had ever experience. I didn't know it was possible to be in so much pain.   

I don't know why it took the doctor so long to put me on proper medicine. Maybe it was my age after all I was only 23 years old. The months went by and I did nothing but get worse. Every dag I woke up, I was worse than the day before. My arthritis started in my right ankle with pain and impaired mobility then gradually it found the way up to the knee, the thigh, the hip next it was the hand then the shoulder, neck. The next stop for the arthritis was my face, I got in my jaws, my ears, my eyebrows then the arthritis continued to the left side and did the same thing there. Basically I think I got it in every muscle attachment of my body and in the joints as well. For you people which have arthritis you know what I experienced, you know the the pain, the impaired mobility that follows, the anxiety and despair. I was so scared those months which I woke up worse than the day before. I didn't know what was going on, nothing seemed to work and the pain was killing me. I couldn't sleep because of the pain, I cried almost every day out of pain and I thought my life was over. It's very hard to live a normal life when you are in such agony. 

My family and friends were worried sick about me specially since my conditions only got worse. My best friends' mother recommended that I would go and see her doctor. I did so and that was truly the best thing that I could do. The new doctor put me on methotrexate and I started gradually to feel better. The arthritis slowly went to a remission. It took  three years for me to get back on my feet. The year 2007 was the year when I stopped being scared because the pain wasn't longer killing me and I could walk and use my hands to do things. Even though I still had arthritis and couldn't do certain things and still experienced some pain now and then, I knew I would be able to live fairly normal life. 

I started to work  as a teacher the fall 2008. I was lucky both with my class and colleagues and I had a wonderful time teaching. I worked 100% which was to much, I could do my job but there wasn't much left for the rest of my life. I was frustrated and glad that winter, glad that I could work and frustrated that I didn't have the body to do more than just work. 

I got married the following summer and week after the wedding we moved to Chapel Hill, NC. We started soon to talk about having baby's and in December 2009 I started to go off my meds. That took three months then we had to wait another three months so we didn't start to try for a baby until June 2010. I was terrified by the thought of going of the meds because I hadn't forgot the pain and how much of a hell it was in the beginning but we both really want to start a family. Therefore I'm willing to be off the meds in the hope that we're going to have a baby.

The baby thing has taken longer time to achieve than we suspected. I have been surprisingly good of the arthritis, most of the year 2010. However in October I started to get rather bad and get worse by every week. We have scheduled appointment with a fertility clinic in April. Hopefully we don't have to wait long for a little baby. 

In the meantime I'm going to blog about the journey that's ahead of me.